My thoughts on why voter turnout is so low
The worst dentist (complete with his arsenal of medieval torture instruments), the longest transpacific flight (with that creepy grandpa drooling on your right shoulder and the flight attendant who keeps bumping your left knee with the beverage cart), and the largest pit full of man-eating spiders all look like Elmo when compared to election day. There’s just something about standing in line and having to make a decision that terrifies the American people. The problem has become so epidemic in this country that psychologists are labeling suffrage the new boogeyman. But why do so many Americans dread voting?
In 2006––the year that will become the advent of the new calendar when Aldous Huxley’s predictions of our inevitable dystopian future come true––only 41.3 percent of eligible American voters showed up at the polls. Should those who actually voted be considered brave or insane?
Despite the general consensus in the medical community that the “time for debate is over,” there are other self-proclaimed experts who do not blame low voter turnout on the frail psyche of the postmodern man. Instead, some blame Warlord Bush and his régime. They say that the poor condition of America’s roads and the dangers of going to polling locations, both Bush’s fault, discourages would-be voters. Perhaps the least politically correct explanation behind low turnout numbers is that the dread associated with voting only besets the Caucasian race. Proponents of this theory argue that the reason voter turnout in Iraq has been so high is because Arabs are not afflicted with the malady. Still others blame Mapquest.
To remedy low voter turnout, whatever the cause may be, the good people at eBay and American Idol have offered solutions. The whizzes at eBay suggested that each candidate should sell merchandise via their own online storefronts, and whoever sales the most goods gets the Oval Office. Despite a thumbs-down from Simon Cowell, the idea proposed by the producers of American Idol has been very popular. Simply put, their idea is to have each candidate sing their favorite song on national television. Viewers can text in for who they want to win. The interest group for voice coaches has been lobbying for Political Idol.
In their recent elections, the French reversed their image around the world as cowards and flocked to the polls. 84 percent of Frenchies voted! The bravery of the French populace––perhaps aided by some pinot noir and Camembert––should be a wake-up call for all Americans.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think the solution is simply throwing government money at the problem. Like many other Americans, I am still waiting for the most important voices in this debate, the candidates themselves, to weigh in. Although a Clinton-Obama rendition of “Ebony and Ivory” would certainly be exciting television, I personally favor sticking to traditional election practices. However, if I fall victim to the Election Day jitters, my shrink in Cuba is just a phone call away.
In 2006––the year that will become the advent of the new calendar when Aldous Huxley’s predictions of our inevitable dystopian future come true––only 41.3 percent of eligible American voters showed up at the polls. Should those who actually voted be considered brave or insane?
Despite the general consensus in the medical community that the “time for debate is over,” there are other self-proclaimed experts who do not blame low voter turnout on the frail psyche of the postmodern man. Instead, some blame Warlord Bush and his régime. They say that the poor condition of America’s roads and the dangers of going to polling locations, both Bush’s fault, discourages would-be voters. Perhaps the least politically correct explanation behind low turnout numbers is that the dread associated with voting only besets the Caucasian race. Proponents of this theory argue that the reason voter turnout in Iraq has been so high is because Arabs are not afflicted with the malady. Still others blame Mapquest.
To remedy low voter turnout, whatever the cause may be, the good people at eBay and American Idol have offered solutions. The whizzes at eBay suggested that each candidate should sell merchandise via their own online storefronts, and whoever sales the most goods gets the Oval Office. Despite a thumbs-down from Simon Cowell, the idea proposed by the producers of American Idol has been very popular. Simply put, their idea is to have each candidate sing their favorite song on national television. Viewers can text in for who they want to win. The interest group for voice coaches has been lobbying for Political Idol.
In their recent elections, the French reversed their image around the world as cowards and flocked to the polls. 84 percent of Frenchies voted! The bravery of the French populace––perhaps aided by some pinot noir and Camembert––should be a wake-up call for all Americans.
Call me old-fashioned, but I think the solution is simply throwing government money at the problem. Like many other Americans, I am still waiting for the most important voices in this debate, the candidates themselves, to weigh in. Although a Clinton-Obama rendition of “Ebony and Ivory” would certainly be exciting television, I personally favor sticking to traditional election practices. However, if I fall victim to the Election Day jitters, my shrink in Cuba is just a phone call away.
posted by politikalpressure at 11:38 PM
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